All Kinds Of
by MsLanna
Summary: Another of those self-inserts. Not that there was much for me to do in Alice. Except being in the way, kind of. And not really meet anybody so I wouldn't mess up the film. Which worked. Kind of.


_Note: It's a self-insert. Probabyl even a bad one. You have been warned..._

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><p><span>All Kinds of<span>

Truth be told, I didn't sleep well since seeing the new Alice film. I guess that was the main problem, not the Hatter possibly haunting my dreams, as he had no business being there. I was no Alice and he was certainly meant for that 'ship. So blame it being too tired and not paying attention. It was not a rabbit hole either. I didn't choose anything as dignified. No, I just went over a meadow in the dark, didn't see a hole and hit the ground face first which is all kinds of painful. When I opened my eyes again, I was in that well-known room with the doors.

Either I had knocked myself out rather soundly or - well, actually it didn't matter how real this all was. I was in all kinds of pain already, so pinching me to wake up would be very useless. That left the question where would I find a way back home? Looking around, I decided to try my luck with the White Queen. Esoteric maniac or not, she was the only person I could fathom to have a solution.

I found the key, bottle and cake assembled on and under the glass table. So I took the key, unlocked the small door, shoved the cake through to the other side and made sure to put down the bottle within reach inside before I shrank. I also tried to keep all my clothing within easy reach. I would need to get it back soon as I was on the other side.

There is one reason they set the film in the Victorian times: modern underwear just doesn't make for such a nice dress if bunched up. It didn't make for a dress at all, and I am sure there were some rather put out huffs as I went stark naked through the door. I nibbled a bit of the Ubelkuchen and grabbed my clothes. There were still huffs, but I made sure not to turn around until I had _all_ my clothes on me again. Then I put the remaining Pishsolver potion and cake into my pockets and looked around.

I recognised the garden as soon as I saw it. It was definitely Burton's Aliceverse. Not that I really remembered how the other Aiceverses looked like, come to think of it. It also meant no clear road to follow, but the flowers did talk. I went down the stairs into the garden and stopped next to a pink rose. "Excuse me?"

The rose wrinkled its nose at me in a way indicating she would not under any conceivable circumstances. Not that this could stop me.

"Could you tell me the way to Marmoreal?" Before it could answer I did hear a loud thud from where I had come. The door banged shut again, but I was sure there had been Alice. Oh dear. Such an inconvenient time to be down here. I hurried through the gate, hoping there was more Pishsolver and Ubelkuchen ready for her.

For a while I wandered through the gardens, keeping my eyes down so I didn't by accident step on a talking flower or - okay, they turned out to be to big to step onto. McTwisp lead the small group. As soon as they saw me, they stopped.

"Are you...?" McTwisp started.

"No. No I am certainly not," I replied quickly. "But she should be not far behind."

Several pairs of eyes looked behind me and I took the moment to slip past them. None of this was my business. I could only make a mess of things. All I had to do was get the hell out of here. I ran and when I turned around after a while I couldn't see the others any longer. That was possibly a good thing. But when I looked forward again, I found my feet had brought me right up to the Knave of Hearts. Now this was all kinds of inconvenient.

"You," he called out. "Where are you going?"

"Marmoreal?" I replied innocently. "If you let me."

"Why should I?" Righteous indignation was all over his face. He looked all kinds of scarily good, only I didn't have time for that now.

"Because I asked nicely?" I smiled brightly at him. "Please, my Lord, Ilosovic Stayne, I beg you to let me go to Marmoreal." I even batted my eyes. Maybe that was too much? Naw, this was Underland, exaggerated expressions were normal here. He didn't seem to notice. His puzzled expression was kind of nice.

"What would be in it for me?" He finally asked.

I looked down at myself. There was nothing much I had to offer. "Well," I hedged, "I would owe you one."

"One what?" His tone was suspicious.

"One - favour, whatever. You chose." I shrugged, still grinning.

He mulled that over. "What do you want at Marmoreal?"

"Find a way back home, because I don't belong here," I explained probably too truthfully. Because how is one to grant favours when gone? "Not before I paid back the favour, of course," I added hastily.

He eyed me closely and finally nodded.

"So, if you told me in which direction I had to go to Marmoreal..." I faltered seeing the look on his face. Okay, that had probably been all kinds of stupid. "I'd owe you two?" I offered hesitantly.

He gave me another very hard look. "That way," he pointed.

I nodded and was about to leave as his hand caught my shoulder. "I want one now," he smirked. "Did you see Alice?"

"Oh, her," I nodded. "Back there in the garden," I waved my hand. "But I think your Bandersnatch is on her trail." There was a loud pained roar. "Or not."

He grabbed my arm. "Where will she go?"

"The castle of the White Queen, no?" I tried to look innocent. "It's the heart of resistance and all that, is it not?"

"With no detours?"

"Not that I know of," I said. "If you'd excuse me now, I have a long way before me." I tried to free myself which only got my arm bruised.

"I'll remember your face." It was possibly a threat; I was too distracted by his face hovering right before mine. However did he manage to bend so far down?

"You'd be the first," I told him not quite successful at keeping the resigned disbelief out of my voice. I tended to be regrettably forgettable. The moment he took to wonder what I was talking about was all I needed to turn around and run away. Not that I had any chance if he really wanted to catch up with me. His legs were at least twice as long as mine.

Luckily he had more pressing business and I suspected the direction he had shown was not really that to Marmoreal. For a while I kept up a good pace, but then I got tired. I didn't seem to be getting anywhere, either; not Marmoreal and not even Salazem Grum. After a while I had to admit I was completely lost. Go, me.

The sensible thing was to get help. There was just the problem of finding somebody to help me, considering I was all kinds of lost in a wood. But hey, this was Underland, strange things happened all the time. So I called softly for Chessur. He could evaporate; maybe he could also hear when people called his name. Not that I would ever find out, as the cat refused to show up. Not that I had expected it to. This was not my story.

I didn't really think Stayne had pointed me in the right direction, but what could I do. So I kept going, taking the easiest way around and hoping to arrive somewhere sometime. After a while I actually did, as the hill before me fell into a well-known valley with a broken windmill and a sad excuse for a tea party. Alice was approaching and a glance at Tarrant's face when he saw her made me all kinds of envious. Lucky, lucky girl!

I slowly backed off. "Chessur, please," I hissed, hoping he would hear me now. He was not _that_ far away. Not that I could see him, but I hoped that just meant he had already vanished. Nothing happened again in all kinds of abundance. If this didn't work I could only follow the Hatter and Alice and then - then they'd both go to the Red Queens castle. Nope, no good at all.

"Chessur, _please_!"

"Yeeees," he drew the sound out while his grin appeared upside down before me and slowly turned around. He blinked his huge green eyes at me several times. "Do I know you?"

"No, but that doesn't mean I don't know you," told him. "Anyway, I just need a tiny bit of help, namely the direction in which Marmoreal lies."

"What do you want there?" He eyed me suspiciously.

"Well, talk to the White Queen, of course."

It was disturbing to watch him think because parts of him evaporated and appeared again, usually in different places. It gave me a headache.

"And what would you want from her?" He turned in mid-air, his head following his body with a disconcerting delay.

"Ask her for help."

"You are not by chance a hand of the Red Queen?"

"Because I talked to Stayne?" I asked. "Hell, no. I am just glad I didn't get sacked."

"Didn't you tell him where to find Alice?" Chessur purred it, but still it sounded like a threat.

So the cat could hear whatever? "Not really. I mean, I owe him, but since I don't think he showed me the right direction to Marmoreal I see no problem lying to him about Alice." I paused spreading my fingers before me. "Look Chessur, all I want to do is go home, and I have no idea how to do that. Help me or leave it."

He evaporated and I sighed. Not that is was unexpected, Underland was a charming place if you were Alice, but I was not. I began to march on when his grin suddenly hang a few inches before my eyes.

"Wrong direction, silly." A paw appeared pointing to my right.

I nodded. "Thank you, Chessur." Then I turned obligingly. Walking through Underland when not being Alice turned out to be all kinds of boring. The landscape was less than friendly, the path I followed was not really level and there were no snack bars either.

It was a really long way until I reached the avenue with the blooming trees. I felt like having stumbled into Japanese cherry blossom festival. It was all kinds of pretty after trudging through the woods for so long. It was almost dark when I got to the castle, bust still, Mirana and her entourage came out to greet me, looking puzzled.

"We have -" I didn't let Mirana get any further.

"I am not the champion. No way. No. Absolutely not." They looked very disappointed. "But she should not be that far behind," I amended. "No worries."

"And you are?" Mirana asked measuring me.

"I am Mellanna," I explained. "I'm here all by accident, and I just wanted to ask how I can get back home."

"Home?" She half danced around me.

"That would be Upperland," I provided suddenly acutely aware of how strange I must be looking for Underland standards.

"There is one way," she said, waving her hands elaborately. "But it will not work until Frabjous Day." She smiled apologisingly.

"Oh. Jabberwocky blood, is it not?" I had really hoped there was another way. My shoulders slumped.

She only nodded.

"Okay, I'll wait then," I sighed. "It's not long off. And if you have some kind of harmless task or such for me to do in the meantime..."

It turned out they had not. I was put into a guest room and granted access to most parts of the castle and gardens. Since this was a rebellion, though, there were no really harmless jobs to be done. Polishing the champion's armour took only so long and the March Hare was going all kinds of crazy in the kitchen and throwing things around so I didn't dare go and try to help there.

Instead I roamed the gardens which were very pretty. When Tarrant returned with the others I stole a guilty glance from a balcony, turning green with envy again. There just were not enough mad hatters at home. Then I snuck back into the gardens, hiding in one of the out of the way spots I had discovered during my roaming.

It was kind of nice to just sit in the sun and have nothing to do but muse. I didn't really want to think because my mind insisted on returning to the lack of hatters at home. Not a nice topic at all. Instead I tried to find a reasonable way to get my favour to Stayne off my back before leaving. I had almost found a solution, or just dozed away, when something blocked out the sun.

"Oh." I sat up startled.

"Oh," he said at the same time taking a step backwards.

Blinking my eyes I saw a shadow that slowly congealed into - the Hatter. "Oh, it's you."

"Well, yes it is indeed, isn't it?"

I didn't know what else to say. Live mad hatters were very distracting in their unique, crazy way.

"I have been considering things starting with M." He confided earnestly, obviously feeling he needed to make polite conversation.

That was all kinds of heartbreaking. I forced a smile. "That's nice and not to say that I don't appreciate, but I don't think you are referring to me."

Now it was his turn to look startled.

"I am Mellanna." I held out my hand. He eyed it curiously, but didn't shake it.

"Um, well, I think I'll be going then." I tried to back off around him.

"Why? Don't you want to stay?" He looked puzzled, breaking my heart all over again. This made me reconsider the possibility that it was all just a dream because I hadn't been aware of having enough heart to be broken so often in such a short time.

Keeping my smile fast in place I shook my head. "There is nothing down here for me. It's all just an accident. There's - nobody for me down here." He didn't seem to understand so I tried again. "Consider, if you were caught in Upperland, would you want to stay?"

"Where Alice is?" the question was hopeful.

"No, with Alice being down here," I explained

"Well, no, I wouldn't," he shook his head for emphasis. "Is your Alice up there?"

"I don't have an Alice," I had to admit feeling rather embarrassed. "And there is only one down here."

"Absolutely Alice," he confirmed. Then he tilted his head slightly. "What are you doing _here_ then?"

"Waiting."

"For what?"

"Frabjous Day, of course." I shrugged. "The Jabberwocky has something I need to get back home."

He gave me a very thoughtful look at that and I winced inwardly. That might not have been the best thing to say.

I fled and made sure to stay in my room for the rest of the day to rule out any possible chance meetings. I stayed inside until the army marched off keeping to the very back of the rows of soldiers. And since I was as much use as toast in a battle, I kept way back during it too. Only when the head of the Jabberwocky rolled down the stairs did I slowly start forward.

"Iracebeth of Crim," Mirana declared, "your crimes against Underland are worthy of death. But," she paused shortly, "that is against my vows. Therefore, you are banished to the Outlands. No one is to show you any kindness or ever speak a word to you. You will not have a fiend in the world."

Now that was not a nice punishment, especially with nobody to talk to. It would drive any person crazy. I found my way to the first row just as Stayne chimed in.

"Majesty. I hope you bear me no ill will." A true opportunist and lowly boot-licker if I had ever seen one. Oh well, I owed him one.

"Except this one," Mirana added looking at the Knave. "Ilosovic Stayne you will join Iracebeth in banish-"

"Please, don't," I spoke up.

All eyes turned to look at me. It felt decidedly all kinds of strange to stand there in the focus of Underland, chucks, jeans, shirt and all.

"What did you say?" Mirana wanted to know.

"I said, please don't." I took another step forward, trying not to falter under all the stares.

"Why do you ask this?" The White Queen floated closer, looking at me as if I had lost my mind. It was not a possibility I could rule out completely.

"Because I owe him." There, now that I said it, I didn't any longer. A very neat way to get rid of the favour before leaving again.

Stanye gave me a look I didn't care for and so did the Red Queen, though in a very different way.

Mirana stood thinking things over. "He is exiled, and you are going to Upperland. He will be your responsibility. Can you manage that?"

"I don't think that would be a problem," I lied boldly. Now this was not going as expected. I mean, who'd pardon a criminal opportunist just because some stranger asked?

"So be it then," the White Queen declared, before I had come to any conclusion on the subject. The cuffs were taken from Iracebeth's wrist and instead - hey! I found myself cuffed to the Knave. Now this was all kinds of inconvenient. But I didn't have the time to consider that in detail because Tarrant was futterwacken _vigorously_. If you have not seen futterwacken performed there is no way I could sensibly or madly use words to describe how it looks. It certainly loses a lot more of its muchness through words than it already does in film.

It was a little difficult to applaud with one hand chained to a seven foot man with no inclination to move. I tugged at the cuff as hard as I could, but he just gave me a look and didn't move. Stupid Lump. At least he followed when I made my way towards Alice. The White Queen was filling Jabberwocky blood into two phials. With one of her more ethereal smiles she handed them to Alice and me.

"Will this take me home?" Alice asked.

"If that is what you choose," Mirana explained.

"You could stay," he said and broke my heart. Hers too, I hoped. She had such a look in her eyes.

"What an idea. A crazy, mad wonderful idea. But I can't." Stupid, lucky but very stupid girl. "There are questions I have to answer, things I have to do"

"Well," I know I ruined a perfectly perfect moment by speaking up, but in case I didn't it might also be a perfectly final moment, too. So speak up, I did. "Well, I am going back anyway. I could run messages," I offered.

They looked at me again, as if I had gone crazy. But I knew I had to do better than that. "Or, since this," I held up my vial, "was enough to take one and then suddenly two, I am sure it'll be enough for three. So you could keep yours for returning."

That was more like it. I saw her determination waver. "I think I need a moment," she said, almost running already.

"While you're thinking and if you want to return, you might consider writing yourself a letter, just in case," I called after her. She only looked back for a second. I threw a glance at Tarrant and wished I hadn't. He might be mad, but nevertheless he saw right through me and I didn't like it. Behind me stood the Knave and Stayne glared at the Hatter way over my head in a way I didn't' care for in all kinds of ways.

It seemed to take forever until Alice returned, her face set with determination. "Let's do this." She clutched her vial and a parchment to her chest. Good girl.

We started to make another round of goodbyes. Mine being very short and consisting mostly of Mirana and the Hatter.

"I see what you did there," he said as he embraced me.

That was all kinds of happy pain, but I would not complain. "You deserve a happy ending," I whispered back forcing another smile onto my face. "Fairfarren."

Alice seemed surprised when I bid her goodbye. "Your home and mine are not even close, not in space, and also not tin time," I told her smiling. "I don't think we will meet again."

She smiled as we embraced. "Fairfarren, Mellanna."

"Fairfarren," I replied, taking it for a good sign for her return that she used Underland words. Then I turned to the Knave. "Ilosovic Stayne, just in case I bungle this up completely, it was kinda nice knowing you."

He stared at me so intently, that I feared he had heard my dear hope of really bungling this where he was concerned and thus took great care to look at the vial when I opened it and drank. The world started to go hazy, Underland vanished, followed by Alice, and the fingers of the Knave laced through mine.

I came to again lying on my back and staring up at a beautiful night sky. At least, it had not been raining. I pushed myself up and raised my hands to rub my aching head. Only to find my right wrist cuffed to another cuff attached to another wrist attached to an arm attached to Ilosovic Stayne who lay in the grass and stared up at me with a dazed but happy expression.

If it would not have placed me directly beside him, I would have fallen back with a groan. This was all kinds of ...

8


End file.
